The fear

I sometimes feel guilt about mocking the worldview of conservatives. They are barren and small-minded and their anguish is so outward directed that it paints itself, cruelly, on our world in manner that is nothing but destructive. They’re a different species.

The environment they choose to cultivate themselves has destroyed them, Golum-like, and in turn tries to destroy us.

Alternately, I look selfishly at those I admire–and what I try to be–and see what we could be: wonder, excitement, possibility. The jolt-of-surprise in what everything everything has to offer. Those conservatives (“them”) I’m sure have passions; yet the passions they have that affect their acts toward others are nihilist-adjacent. Their passions are hate.

And their non-imagination.

They lack any infant possibility of abstract imagination and thought. Metaphor is far beyond their ken; all expression is. just. as. it. is. The lack of artistic consumption or ambition is testament. The Ron Swanson quote exists for a reason (“Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That’s why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No frufu symbolism, just a good simple tale about a man who hates an animal.”) and completely envelopes the explanation that there are no conservative humorists. Abstract thought is imprecise. blech

Is my pessimism-and-anger at their pessimism-and-anger some sort of pot and kettle situation? I want Trump’s followers listed and numbered and remembered and punished (carve a “T” in their foreheads a la Inglourious Basterds). Mark their names. Am I a McCarthy-ite? Look at reviled immigrants or minorities. If they were to be angry at those that perpetuate the injustice of their treatment, is it hypocritical? Are the Nuremberg trials reallly the same as a rigged court in fascist Italy?

These are sincere questions. But I know the answers.

The terror

Over the past few months I’ve had several episodes of night terrors. Well, probably not the extreme textbook diagnostic instance but more a sudden shock, waking me up, and taking a minute or so to re-orient. I’m not sure what wakes me, but when I do wake I see someone floating or standing in the darkness. I panic and shake Lisa awake and tell her what I saw. She freaks, turns on the light, and we both have jacked up adrenaline for the next half hour.

I swear the first two instances when it happened a couple of months back happened to her and she woke me up. She doesn’t remember them, just me waking her and telling her she was calling out in a panic, and so the current episodes that are definitely me make those seem pretty suspicious. Am I remembering it completely wrong?

It’s happened enough that I’ve gotten to the point of needing to keep the door opened when we sleep to let some light in. I’m, as they say, a grown-ass man and yet here we are. I don’t feel more likely to see anything, just more ready to have it startle me in the middle of the night. It’s a weird reason to have insomnia.

Anyway, Lisa’s going out of town this weekend.

Orchestral Study #8 (toccata)

  1. Orchestral Study #1 (flowing and hymn-like)
  2. Orchestral Study #2 (driving and chaotic)
  3. Orchestral Study #3 (adagio with melisma)
  4. Orchestral Study #4 (allegro)
  5. Orchestral Study #5 (variations)
  6. Orchestral Study #6 (space)
  7. Orchestral Study #7 (dialogue)
  8. Orchestral Study #8 (toccata)
  9. Orchestral Study #9 (seven interludes)
  10. Orchestral Study #10 (rupture, slowed down and from different angles)
  11. Orchestral Study #11 (a crowd, disassembled)
  12. Orchestral Study #12 (thesis)

Updated 26 Aug 2019

My focus for this piece was to start scoring percussion.

The music has some instances of #6 (mildly dissonant, held clusters) and some of #2 and #4 (fringe-tonal counterpoint with imitation across voices). I’m getting my footing with having a consistent orchestral style though still learning and experimenting.

  1. Prelude with dissonance (A1)
  2. Rapid polyphony with increasing complexity in the percussion, using timpani, snare, and cymbal (B, C, and D1)
  3. Return to A in style, with gradual reentry of polyphony from previous sections as an extended bridge (A2)
  4. Chord progression and arpeggiated melody from D1 with written repeats (D2)
  5. Short coda with percussion (E)

Once I got the first notes down for the polyphony and percussion, I was surprised how easily those new elements flowed. I had to reference Piston for the limitations of the timpani and the range it can handle, but snare and cymbal pretty much explain themselves. Like the allegro in #4 this was kindof exhausting; there was an inner conflict of how easily it flowed and just how much music I could manage in this style. And, even though I feel it’s relatively complete, the month puts pressure on how much to put in. I’m beginning to think, after these 12 are finished, of the limitations I’ll encounter writing longer, 20+ minute pieces.

Next will likely be a spare, arrhythmic study with further exploration of articulation in the strings. Before that I will go back to #5 to fix a section that I just, just hate.

orchestral-study-8

Updated 26 Aug 2019

Piston showed the timpani with trills but the playback from Musescore sounded awful so I switched to tremolo. Much better. I also exported the score in four parts (woodwinds, brass, percussion, strings) as wav files and mixed them in Audacity with some reverb and stereo separation.

Orchestral Study #7 (dialogue)

  1. Orchestral Study #1 (flowing and hymn-like)
  2. Orchestral Study #2 (driving and chaotic)
  3. Orchestral Study #3 (adagio with melisma)
  4. Orchestral Study #4 (allegro)
  5. Orchestral Study #5 (variations)
  6. Orchestral Study #6 (space)
  7. Orchestral Study #7 (dialogue)
  8. Orchestral Study #8 (toccata)
  9. Orchestral Study #9 (seven interludes)
  10. Orchestral Study #10 (rupture, slowed down and from different angles)
  11. Orchestral Study #11 (a crowd, disassembled)
  12. Orchestral Study #12 (thesis)

This started late in the month because of an extended stay in Curacao, but the structure came to me almost immediately. I’ve been wanting to try to bring solo instruments in more prominently. The last study at various points gave the melody to solo violin and viola; here I’ve used the violin throughout as a proper soloist. The intent was to have the contrasting sections be a dialog between soloist and orchestra (like so many concertos), but to think of them not as separate entities but the same. An internal dialogue. It’s more conceptual than actually achieved.

  • Melancholy statement (soloist)
  • Chorale (orchestra)
  • Minimalist perpetuum mobile (soloist)
  • Prelude and fugue book-ended with reference to chorale (orchestra)
  • Closing lyric statement (soloist)

For the soloist sections, I would create a general sketch of the melody then insert measures as I orchestrated to either extend a phrase or add a new idea for variety. It’s very much like painting, where rough ideas become more precise as you progress. The orchestration, at least for the soloist sections, has much more color that the previous studies. I’m getting confident with a wider range of instrument combinations. That being said, for the soloist I did not verify that the double- and triple-stops were actually playable or at least comfortably playable. That skill is definitely a work in progress.

I’m continuing to run against limitations in playback, mostly crescendos and decrescendos, so I end up adding over-detailed dynamic markings. And I heard pizzicato and harmonics in certain areas but those are almost completely unavailable with Musescore. I had to settle for staccato and ppp respectively.

(Realization: I remember at the beginning of the year, I was concerned that I would over-rely on explicit repeats and not be able to create sections that are written variations as repeats. I happily have not fallen into that type of laziness.)

Next up is a toccata with percussion added.

orchestral-study-7